Happiness…

Are you happy?

Emotional Manipulation

This piece about Emotional Manipulation was thought-provoking…especially the section describing when an emotional manipulator “always has it worse than you.” That is something that constantly bugs me – when people complain endlessly and feel like they need to constantly talk about how stressed they are, how much work they have, and how terrible various things are in their life. Are you saying all that to make yourself feel better? Are you saying it so that I’ll feel guilty that I have such a stress-free life compared to you? Are you just venting? Because constantly complaining and playing “Who Has It Worse?” is one of the most annoying qualities a person can have – it’s like a competitive Stress Olympics and in the end there are no winners, only whiners.

Victimhood as a framework for unhappiness

I rode the bus today and spent 30 minutes listening to a young woman complain to her mother about her job and what sounded like a lot of passive aggressiveness and other work-related stressors and social dynamics. I was tempted to scorn this woman with my glares and thoughts of “Please shut up!!” when suddenly it hit me: some people can’t help it, they have simply been conditioned to be complainers.

Some people grew up learning that whining meant attention, that grumbling was a path to friendship (or at least camaraderie), and that ultimately they are a victim to life’s terrors & tumult – and nothing feels better than to commiserate with other victims. Some folks have complaining and playing-the-victim ingrained in the way that they process their environments and daily events – because why else would someone consciously CHOOSE to be unhappy. Not to say that being happy is a matter of thinking “and I’m going to start feeling happy…NOW!” – but the frameworks that you adopt to interpret your surroundings and interactions really do matter when it comes to long-term happiness. If you operate thinking that life is an unmapped roller coaster controlled by fate and sheer luck – perhaps you won’t get so down when you have the occasional bad day…But if you perceive the world as inherently against you, as full of terrible spiteful people that conspire to make your life a living hell even though you are a perfectly innocent individual…well, not-so-coincidentally you just may interpret every single situation that way. 

The first group of people – the “life is unpredictable and arbitrarily luck-based” folks have better chances of keeping their cool under duress – their serenity sits at the bottom of a big lake, and they let the difficult obstacles and tragedies in their life turn into small stones that hit the surface of the water and are absorbed into the continued stillness. The second group, the “victims,” take each and every stone – whether a boulder or a pebble – personally and bitterly, looking up at the skies and asking “WHY ME??” 

This realization helps me empathize with the “victims” who I often just perceive as negative whiners, because they probably have never been taught to use any other emotional/mental framework when processing difficult events. An array of diverse emotional and mental frameworks is like an arsenal against unhappiness – because you have the means to adapt to situations quickly and psychologically make the best of things. But how can this be learned once someone is already comfortable with the victimhood framework? The next time that someone around me is extremely negative and can’t stop complaining – what is the best way to disrupt this cycle without coming off as unsupportive, spiteful, or condescending? 

Karaoke

There’s something to be said about the power of song – especially when you’re belting it at the top of your lungs when no one’s watching…like in the car or shower. It feels cathartic to use all your energy and attention to push all the air you can out of your lungs and keep some semblance of a tune. (The latter is especially a challenge if your song of choice is Bohemian Rhapsody)

What are other small ordinary acts that can lead to extraordinary feelings?

Toothache

It’s funny how the smallest thing – like a toothache, has the uncanny ability to ruin your entire day with a cloud of pain and misery, causing you to want to leave work to assume the fetal position and curse everything. “It’s just a tooth,” you remind yourself…and yet the pain of the tooth digging into your gums, sending shooting jolts up your clenched jaw muscles is almost mocking you, as if to say, “Yeah, I know you’re stressed, tired, & anxious – so how bout a toothache to top you off?”

I’m pretty sure there’s a whole slew of sayings that tell you to let go of the small things and focus on the big picture. To dismiss the things you have no control over and ground yourself in your breath, body, and immediate surroundings. Namaste, the Serenity prayer, the Zen idea of letting go of attachment…so how do I get there? Meditation, exercise, hobbies, time with loved ones, sleep, journaling, punching bags, hot tea, and/or kitty cuddles? Does eating donuts in the fetal position count as a kind of yoga?

Anxiety

Anxiety is something that I didn’t experience much as a kid but now seems to be increasing in adulthood as issues like finances, career trajectories, relationship decisions, and other big transitions, processes, and milestones bring on uncertainty, stress, and emotional chaos. Anxiety is easy to feel and quick to spiral out of control. But the good news is that anxiety usually comes from within and can be prevented or at least somewhat mitigated by a few things. Here are some suggestions that others have given me in the past few months:

• Label what you are feeling – simply stating “this is anxiety” actually helps to stop the gears in your head from whirring out of control. To recognize your feelings and let yourself accept that you feel anxious is the first step in addressing your anxiety. If you brush it off and avoid accepting that what you’re feeling is indeed anxiety – it often only leads to further anxiety, panic, or guilt.
• Return to your breath – your body will not let your emotions spiral out of control into a full fledged panic attack if you control your breathing. Deep and slow breaths in and out remind your body to the bare biological necessities.
• Return to your body – remind yourself that you are IN your own body, and that you have control over your body. Go for a short walk – pat your knees, scrunch up and widen your face, wiggle around, & stretch your muscles. Think about your body and moving each limb as you breathe slowly and calmly. 
• Let yourself think the thoughts you are trying to avoid thinking – it’s counterintuitive, but sometimes you just need to go down that dark path to realize that it’s really not all that scary. 
• Remind yourself of the bigger picture. In anxious situations you often feel like you are going to die and the world is going to end. Stop yourself there and remember that unless you are physically in mortal danger – everything really WILL be ok and you will in fact probably not die right now – or anytime soon.
• Comfort yourself – what comforts you? A quick call to a friend or family member? A cuddle session with your dog? A text from your partner? A funny video? A note in your journal? Find something that’s comforting and grounding and focus completely on that (inter)action.
• Have compassion with yourself – we are human and feel a wide and deep range of emotions. (Some of us more often/deeply than others) Sometimes our brains play tricks on us, sometimes certain stimuli cause us to react in negative ways…and that’s ok – we’re only human. 

Psychopaths & Empaths

Today I listened to an episode of This American Life from May 2011 called, “The Psychopath Test” which explored the science and history behind defining psychopathy and labeling certain individuals as certified psychopaths. A psychopath is defined as a person who cannot feel emotions such as empathy, remorse, or love, and is often aggressive, manipulative, and prone to boredom and deceit.

Most of us are familiar with the idea of a psychopath and probably have recognized signs of psychopathic behavior in others before – so that got me thinking, what is the opposite of a psychopath?

Is it a “regular” human who simply feels the standard range of emotions, or is there an extreme version on the opposite side of the psychopathic spectrum where some people experience the opposite personality traits and behaviors as a psychopath. It sounds silly, but are there people who are TOO empathetic, TOO remorseful, or TOO loving?

Like all psychological issues (and physiological, thanks to WebMD) I assumed that Google would be a profound source of knowledge – and indeed I discovered that some describe empathy as a scale and label those at the opposite side of psychopaths as “empaths.” The site Sustainable Man describes empaths as having,

“…heightened emotions, a comprehensive understanding of the broad scope of emotions, feel a strong desire to give to others, excellent communication abilities, pre-cognition, and a tendency to feel the emotions of others intuitively.In short, an empath feels everything.”

Perhaps we should take this with a grain of salt (since it is a quote from an article featuring a picture of a Husky cuddling with a man as he floats in a body of water, with a Hallmark-like quote juxtaposed in the corner…) – but considering the existence of empaths resonates with me. To think that could be veritable psychopaths walking the same streets that we do, without the existence of an equally extreme converse group of people is a terrifying thought. And while empaths obviously sound like much more pleasant and safe people to encounter compared to psychopaths, their condition still seems like an ultimately undesirable psychological and personality disorder as well. I imagine that being an empath is a similar experience to what Professor Xavier feels when the thoughts of thousands of people echo all at once throughout his head due to his strong telepathic powers. For those less comic book-inclined, I imagine that an empath cannot function because there is far too much emotional stimulus on a daily basis; I envision someone who spends half the day wallowing in unending pain and sorrow and the other half relishing life’s limitless love and joy.

An empath is on a constant, perpetual roller coaster of emotions while a psychopath stands completely stationary outside the amusement park gates.